Olive Tree Revelation part II

In my last blog I talked a little bit about what I called my “Olive Tree Revelation”.  It is an idea that came to me when I was reading Jacob 5 and it has become a metaphor for my life.  I’m sure as I age and more grafting and pruning happens this metaphor will change.  In my comments section I was asked to expound on a statement I had made.

                "But I didn't realize it until I came home, in my mission I feel like I lost some aspects that were me. I think I lost some of my softness and perhaps tenderness?"

This begs for explanation. I'm very curious.

I began to answer her and before I knew it my response became ridiculously long and super reflective. So I decided it would be better to respond with a new blog post.  So here goes:

It has been an interesting journey for me as I reflect on my personality.  Before my mission and at the very beginning of it, I was often described as more of an introvert and quiet.  I was generally soft spoken, especially when things of a spiritual nature came up. I was much more inclined to listen.  Part of that was because I lacked self-confidence, but there was a part that was more sensitive and gentle.  I didn't talk much; I simply deferred and let the other person talk. But when I did, people would say I was profound. 

Later on my mission when I became a senior companion and a trainer, I had to take the lead.  This allowed my "A type" side of me free reign.  I became what appeared to me as more Elder-like.  I became a very take charge type of person. I was the leader, and I was in control.  I was expected to lead out the lessons, take care of my companion, and organize the day.   I took alot of responsibility upon myself and I became tougher.  I withstood so much on my mission, things that would have torn me apart before.  Trials with companions, struggles with members, and people on the street ripping me down, I had to harden myself or else it would have crippled me. I loved those I baptized and tried everything I could to keep them coming to church and would get frustrated if I felt members wouldn't help me out as much as these converts needed. So out of all this emerged Sister Downs.  She was a take charge passionate outgoing individual. She would be the type to command armies. I felt like I became a tough person. In many ways different than Kayley who existed before.

When I came home, it felt like I was staring the old Kayley in the face.  I feel like I had a choice.  What I would keep from the mission and what I would bring back from before.  Standards were kept, but some of the A-type characteristics had to be pruned. I was no longer soft spoken, much more inclined to talk than listen, and very much independent.  I realized I was rarely quiet or soft-spoken.  I didn't feel like I was a gentle person.  And I missed her.  I wanted so bad to be a good missionary, I kind of changed who I was to fit that mold.  I realized that Sister Downs couldn’t exist in the post-mission world.  I believe some of the characteristics were given as part of the missionary mantle.  When that mantle was lifted to try and be outgoing, constantly taking charge and reaching out was too much.  I could not do it, at least not the extent I did in Colorado.  I can still do it, but on a much smaller scale and now more of a hybrid of Kayley/Sister Downs.

I think the Lord timed my meeting of my husband for that reason.  I had started to change a little bit, but when I met him I was finally able relinquish some of my independence and relax.  It seems strange to say this but I was able to let him balance me out, instead of having to be everything.  I could be weak, because I had him to lean on. On my mission I had to be strong.  I leaned on the Lord of course, but I had to be the one, especially as a senior companion to say "it’s time to walk out the door and face the world".   I learned to pull myself up and find my own source of strength.  I think I felt like I didn’t have many people to turn to for personal strength.  My mission president and his wife were always a phone call away, but I felt often they were busy and my problems so trivial to the weight they were carrying.  District and Zone leaders I treaded with caution for many reasons.  Trusting them with my vulnerable side was hard. A nineteen year old boy was rarely someone I trusted with the portions of myself that were so easily hurt.  I loved the elders in my mission, and have so much respect and love for them, but I never had the courage to show them the insecure part of me. I also wanted to keep boundaries drawn so nothing inappropriate would happen.  As a junior companion I confided a lot in my companions, but the longer I became a senior the less I confided.  I tried to be a source of strength for them, but somehow that translated into me always being strong and rarely leaning on them.  For a long time I leaned on no one on this earth.  Opening myself up and trusting my soon to be husband allowed me to relax and relinquish this.  I could trust him with my fears, as irrational as they can be, my trials, my honest thoughts, things I am ashamed of and only have love returned.  This more than anything allowed softness to return from a hardened warrior.

Also, my husband likes to talk alot. He is able to generate conversation and put people at ease much better than I ever can. This allows me to be quiet and listen to what is being said. Because I no longer have to carry the conversation, he does it beautifully.  But he knows when I have something to say (usually) and will let me talk.  I can focus more on what I want to say and read non-verbal cues. I am content to let him take the lead

It’s funny to say it seems, but in a way my husband has some of my ‘mission qualities’ that I can pass them to him and let him be that part of me.  This allows for the contradictory parts to come out. In the end it seems there have been different “me’s”.  There was Kayley Downs, the quiet timid pre mission me.  Then there was Sister Downs, the powerhouse.  Now there is simply Kayley Crane.  She is a hybrid of Sister Downs and Kayley. With the new last name, there is a fair amount of her husband.  He influences her in so many ways and helps her become a better person.  She is trying to be more sensitive and quiet, more inclined to listen and let others take the lead.  But she can also be a leader when the time calls for it.  She also is better at reaching out to others and talking to them.  She has more faith and confidence than ever before and is ready for life.  I’ve never been so happy or comfortable with who am I am, as I am now.  Sure, there are things that need to be worked on, traits to prune, polish and shine, but overall this Kayley Crane is a pretty good gal. 

Wow!  What a challenge this has been to expound on the simple statement I made.  I didn’t realize what seemed clear in my head, was actually a vague abstract idea, which took quite some work and self-reflection to put on paper.  I think this is something that might have to sit and cure for a bit, and I’ll work on it again, but I did want to respond to the question now. I actually enjoyed this.  There are times when I miss my 2010 writing class. I didn’t care for the research end, but my teacher had a passion for creative writing.  Not fiction style creative writing, but expressing ideas, memories and experiences of the soul.  I think she would have enjoyed this had I turned it in.