I have this crazy desire to write and express...but express what? Normally when I write I have a purpose or something to share...but yet today I don't. Odd, I know. So who knows what you will get in this post.
Life has been good. Its almost been a month since I've written. I'm actually surprised. It feels like I just posted. Amazing how time flies. Ups and downs, and just life in general has been what I've been up to. I've been working alot. I picked up a bunch of extra hours and work and that has kept me busy. Jer has been busy too with working at eBay. I can't tell you how much I miss him, yet I know he needs to be working. I'm so happy he has a job and can be productive. He likes it and to be honest, it pays the bills. Married life is good, I have no complains. I can't say much has happened though. Settling into a routine of married life I guess. Work, clean, attempt to cook, being with Jeremy...after all the excitement of the last six months it seems kind of boring to be writing about. However, I've never dreamed I could be so content with life.
I've been thinking about faith lately... its funny how I sometimes hear voices in my head. Voices of those in my past who have taught me. When it comes to faith, I hear the voices of my mission president and his wife, President and Sister Pfile. How much they have taught me. Faith is such an interesting topic. It has so many levels to it. Faith is something you believe. Faith is something you act on. Faith is power. Faith leads to hope. Faith can grow or wither. Faith is tender and fragile, yet something you hold on to when there is nothing else, and it supports you. Yet sometimes it seems figuring out how to apply faith, especially in times of trail is the hardest thing to do. How do you have faith when it seems like your world is falling apart, things aren't working out, or its just plain dark around you? Faith is a light, or a beacon, but how to let it pierce the darkness when it feels so far away? Sometimes finding faith is just plain hard. It seems when hard times come, now is the time to take a step back and take stock of life. I look at my life...am I even doing the things I need to be doing? Sincere prayer? Scripture Study (not reading)? Church? Temple? What can I improve on? Hard times are opportunities to grow closer to the Savior. He will help us, and carry our burdens, but for anyone to carry something for you they need to be within arms length. Take steps closer to Him, He is there. Elder Donald L. Hallstorm said "Turn to the Lord, exercise all the faith you have in him. Let Him share your burden. Allow His grace to lighten your load (May 2010 Ensign). Notice he didn't set an exact amount. Only all the faith YOU have. The most YOU can muster, that is all thats needed. Not the faith of the brother of Jared, who moves mountains, or the faith of Peter and all the great prophets. Or even the faith of a neighbor you admire. Just the faith you have is all thats asked..even if its a tiny speck next to a mustard seed.
The next step is eliminating works like 'but' 'if' or attitudes of 'works for others, but not me' get rid of doubt and fear, best you can. Doubt and faith cannot co-exist. One will prevail over the other. We must choose to pull those words and attitudes out of our vocabulary and thought process. Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen and choose faith over pessimism. (Richard C Edgley Oct 2010 GC) The Lord is no respecter of persons. He will bless us all equally. However when we doubt him, saying he can't or won't bless us its as if we shut a door on him. The Lord won't force the door open to bless us. When we have faith in him. When we use words like will and can. We open the door to let him come in and bring peace and blessings.
Then if after all we have done, after all the faith that we have mustered, that which was desired doesn't come to pass, then there is one very important thing to remember. It must be in accordance with the Lord's will. When that happens its time to push the reset button on our faith. Do not let it get you down and feed into doubt. Remember other times when the Lord has blessed you and your faith has been rewarded and strengthened. I do not believe that the Lord says no to an honest desire or wish without having something greater in mind. If peace doesn't come as quickly as hoped, hold on! The Lord is teaching you to be stronger. As we turn our lives and will over to him. As we place ourselves in his hands we can find a way through trials and push through. Things will work out, because the greatest of all, our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is in charge. His atonement is all encompassing. He will wipe away every tear and make things right in his time, in his way. Which is always the best timing and the best way. I know that. I believe in it, I have faith in it.
That was quite the ramble. But as I look back on the last two years, those are some of the highlights I have learned. The past six months have required alot of faith. I never got an absolute no doubt answer that marrying Jeremy was right, neither for my mission. But my mission was without doubt the right choice and I'm finding every day marrying Jeremy was right. I just had quite subtle moments of peace, and I hold on to them. Peace is the only emotion Satan cannot manipulate, so therefore it had to be from God. I was never going to marry a bum without a job. But yet Jeremy didn't have a job. I barely had one... and yet how were we supposed to get married and support ourselves? How could we afford to pay rent, fill up our cars, eat food, pay bills? So many times I had thoughts about pushing the wedding back until we could be stable. But yet I knew, because we've prayed about it, March was the time to be married. The Lord did bless us, it seems the last minute, or when I'm at my breaking point. I remember one night talking to my dad, crying just not knowing how we could survive on our own. Scared we will fail, he told me things will work out. The next day Jeremy heard from eBay. I'm not sharing this to brag. But what I've learned about faith...and am still learning is, faith doesn't have to be a feeling of complete confidence or absolutely no doubt. Doubts will come, fears will come, Satan has to try and bring us down. However its what we do with those doubts, in other words our actions. Do we give up, or do we keep saying 'things will work out' 'the Lord will bless me'. Do we give up on the Lord, or do we keep trusting him? I don't know how to explain it. Even if I'm not sure I feel it in my heart, just saying over and over 'It will be okay, I am in the Lord's hands' Choosing to say that, then give into the slippery slide of fear. Whatever you do, do not doubt his love or desire to do whats best for us. The road will not be hard and there will be disappointments, when the 'dial on the wheel of sorrow' points to us, remember that in the eternal perspective it will serve to refine us and mold our characters to be more like that of Christ's.
Faith is so complicated...perhaps because Faith is not of this world. It is of a higher world. Our world would have proof where faith comes before seeing (Alma 32). I hope my ramblings and thoughts made some sense, and perhaps strengthen your faith. I felt a need to express my thoughts. I hope it is for someone. Hold on to your faith and know one day all tears will be wiped away and every loss and trial compensated.
Talks found while rambling :)
Faith- the choice is yours
http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/faith-the-choice-is-yours?lang=eng
Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ
http://lds.org/general-conference/2009/04/faith-in-the-lord-jesus-christ?lang=eng&query=doubt+faith+cannot
Of course my favorite trial talk... This is one that I return to over and over to. I love to listen to it especially. Come What May, and Love It. Happiness comes from growing from every experience we have, good and bad.
http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/come-what-may-and-love-it?lang=eng&media=audio
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